Expert Answers to Your Parenting FAQs!

One of the projects I’ve been tackling at work lately is adding an “FAQ” section to the product descriptions on our website. I’ve discovered that I’m quite skilled at anticipating the incessant questions people are going to ask (doesn’t anyone just read the specs that I also lovingly wrote and which are literally right there in front of their faces?!) and answering them in a way that leaves the customer feeling educated yet not overwhelmed with information (despite what my blog might lead you to believe, I can be succinct…sometimes).

In an effort to extend my talent into other arenas, I’ve decided to create a little Parenting FAQ. Below are some of the questions I’ve heard from pregnant friends, curious childless women, and new mamas, along with my Certified Parenting Expert Advice (patent pending). Remember, babies are mysterious creatures and parenting is a dangerous game: arm yourself with knowledge lest you find yourself overwhelmed and confused!

Question: Is breastfeeding awful? Awesome? Gross? Creepy?

Answer: I personally was not a fan. I found it exhausting and endless, and pumping was at least 100 times worse. BUT! Some people have no problems and soldier forth for a solid year (or, if they’re weirdos, even longer) with nary a complaint. Your best bet is to think positive but acknowledge the reality that it doesn’t work for everyone, and if you decide to quit (or forgo it altogether), you’re not a terrible mother. Not because of that, anyway (you might be terrible for other reasons; let’s not discount that possibility).

Question: How do you not gag/vomit at the gross stuff?

Answer: What makes you think I don’t? Babies are disgusting. I say this as an authority on the subject since just yesterday I got poop underneath my fingernail and today I watched a doctor extract infected pus out of my baby’s ears (yes, that’s ears plural).

Question: I have seen moms literally eat half-chewed spit-out food off of their kids’ plates. Have they just lost all hope in life or what?

Answer: Yes.

Question: Am I crazy for worrying all the time? Will that ever change?

Answer: No, you’re not crazy. Well, you could be — I am not really in a position to judge on that one. And no, it’ll probably never change. In fact, it will almost certainly get much, much worse as your kid gets older and gives you more ammunition about which to worry. Sorry!

Question: How do I avoid laughing when my kid does something naughty but also hilarious and adorable?

Answer: This dilemma will resolve itself naturally. At first, the behavior will get worse, because your laughter will be interpreted by your baby as an endorsement. But don’t worry: whatever “cute” thing he was doing will eventually stop being cute (and rest assured, this will not take long), and you will soon stop laughing every time he throws his sippy cup off the highchair. Problem solved!

Dropping spaghetti onto the dog’s head will NEVER stop being funny, unfortunately:

Question: How do I know when to call the doctor and when I’m just being a Nervous Nellie about something?

Answer: This largely depends on the type of person you are. You need to be honest with yourself: if you, like me, are a crazy person, then just assume that 90% of the concerns you are considering raising with the doctor are absurd and will make you sound like, well, a crazy person. If you must call, you can always do what I do and preface your question with “I know this sounds silly, but my husband wanted me to ask…”

Question: How long does the whole “not sleeping” thing really last?

Answer: Some loathsome parents get maddeningly lucky and only suffer through a few weeks of torture; others have babies who wake up every 3-4 hours for months. Whether it lasts a month or a year, I can assure you of two things: first, it will seem endless and you will think you are losing your mind; second, it will eventually get better and you will completely forget how bad it was, and that’s how your brain tricks you into thinking having another baby is a good idea.

Question: Will my body ever look the same again?

Answer: Are you a supermodel and/or wealthy enough to hire a personal chef and trainer? If so, then YES! You’ll be back in business in NO TIME! If you’re a normal human like most of us, then start saving your money for a new wardrobe. On the bright side: new wardrobe!

I hope this has been educational and enlightening! If you have any other burning questions that need the attention of an expert (me…duh), share them in the comments and I’ll answer them in FAQ Part Deux next week!