Someone got to my blog this week by googling a very peculiar query: “newborn gives me dirty looks.”
Like any sane person, my initial reaction was a mixture of amusement and curiosity. I imagined a wild-eyed, sleep-deprived new mom — covered in spitup and leaked breastmilk, obviously — desperately trying to interpret her baby’s facial expressions and growing more paranoid with each passing sleepless hour. “What a lunatic,” I chuckled. “Why would someone worry about such nonsense?!”
And then the part of my brain that is self-aware caught up, and I remembered that I myself am a lunatic and have turned to Google with a myriad of my own cringe-worthy concerns over the past couple of years. Here’s a sampling of my humiliatingly deranged search history from my pregnancy and the first fifteen months of Bubba’s life (and sadly, NONE of these are fabricated or even exaggerated; I am, regrettably, truly this crazy):
- Odds of miscarriage at ___ weeks pregnant. I was very, very terrified of miscarrying, right up to the third trimester, at which point I transitioned my fears over to stillbirth.
- Does being startled affect a fetus? I got startled by a loud noise (it was my shampoo falling down in the shower…don’t judge me) when I was about six months pregnant, and my heart was a-poundin’ for a solid ten minutes. I started to worry that that the baby’s blood pressure would be impacted and that the poor little lad would suffer some sort of problem thanks to my weak nerves.
- What does the death rattle sound like? Bubba was three weeks old and making a really weird snorting sound in his sleep…I was concerned. And tired.
- I hate breastfeeding. Poor Bubba. I tried!
- Infant Motrin accidental overdose. I got confused between Tylenol’s and Motrin’s respective dosing regimens and dosed Bubba about an hour earlier than I should have. Panic ensued. (He’s fine.)
- Long-term impact of daycare on mother-child bonding. Legitimate concern.
- Toddler refuses to say “mama”. I suspect it’s personal and deliberate at this point. Perhaps because I sent him to daycare!
Thinking your newborn is showing some sass by shooting you dirty looks doesn’t sound so crazy anymore, does it?
Dirty look? Sweet smile? You be the judge.
The Baby Is Fine 
I’d call that a sweet smile.
The weirdest thing we’ve ever googled is “men breastfeed” – don’t judge, my DH was feeling left out!
I can’t even tell you what people have found my blog Googling, because it’s embarrassing (and awesome) but the thing I have Googled might be even more so! Stuff about circumcision, and “baby’s poop is green..ish” and “dent in baby’s head looks like it’s breathing.” That one is my favorite.
I think those sound totally sane!