A Practical Guide to Bringing Your Toddler to a Wedding and Not Ruining the Entire Event

If you’ve received a wedding invitation that includes your toddler child, congratulations! Your loved one is both mature enough to enter into the bonds of holy matrimony and stupid enough to permit small children to attend.

It’s unfortunate that both the bride and groom suffered the grave head injuries that led them to conclude that your toddler would make a good wedding guest, but now is not the time to worry about that. Assuming you make the poor choice of responding to the invitation in the affirmative instead of arranging for a babysitter like a reasonable human being, you must begin your preparations at once. Make no mistake: surviving the impending nuptials with your toddler in tow and your sanity intact is not going to be easy. If you have any respect at all for the soon-to-be-wed couple (and you really should, especially considering those head injuries), you need to prepare yourself for this event as if you were going into battle.

Phase 1: The Planning.

Attending a wedding with a toddler requires dedication, organization, and coordination. Any missteps or oversights in this phase could result in consequences so far-reaching you may never be invited to so much as a backyard barbeque again.

A few key items to consider:

• Where will you stay, and how will you trick your child into sleeping soundly in this strange location?
• What will your kid wear, and then what will you change him into when he inevitably destroys that first outfit one hour into the night?
• What will you wear, and how do you plan to pry your clingy son out of your lap for long enough to get yourself ready?
• Do you have an exit strategy in the all-too-likely event that your toddler has a meltdown in the middle of the dance floor before the cake has even been sliced?
• Is your purse large enough to hold extra clothes, diapers, and bribery snacks but still cute enough to take to a wedding? If you have to choose, there’s no contest: bring the one that fits the snacks, ugliness be damned.

Leave no stone unturned, and for god’s sake, do NOT forget the bribery snacks.

Phase 2: The Traveling.

Car trips can be made easier by planning around nap time and/or by funneling a steady stream of bribery snacks into the backseat.

If your journey includes air travel, may god have mercy on your soul.

Phase 3: Getting Ready.

No matter what time the wedding begins, you must commence this phase the moment you wake up in the morning. Every single thing you do on this day, from eating breakfast to ironing your dress, must contribute to the ultimate goal of Getting To The Wedding Dressed, On Time, And With Minimal Crankiness. The timing of your pre-wedding meals is critical (although you will of course have those bribery snacks, it is best that your child arrive at the wedding well-fed since fancy appetizers don’t tend to appeal to children, save, perhaps, for royals and Gwyneth Paltrow’s pretentious spawn), as is the nap schedule. Planning some tiring morning activities in hopes of having your child take a good long nap before the wedding may sound like a good idea, but what if it backfires and he’s unable to sleep well in the hotel? It’s a gamble, and you must understand the risks involved.

Also bear in mind that getting yourself ready is likely to take twice as long as you anticipated, since you’ll be interrupted throughout the process by a toddler who would really like to sit on your lap RIGHT NOW and a husband who needs your help locating the nice clean pair of shoes you packed for said toddler.

Phase 4: The Ceremony.

Don’t fuck around with this one, people: assign Daddy to entertain your child somewhere out of earshot and enjoy the ceremony in peace. As an added bonus, if another child makes so much as a peep you can gloat smugly knowing that the distraction is in no way related to you (for once).

banished.

Phase 5: The Reception.

When you attend a wedding, do you enjoy sitting at your table and eating your meal, listening to the maid of honor and best man give their touching toasts, and then dancing the night away with your fellow guests?

You do?

Oh, I’m sorry.

Strike those wonderful thoughts from your mind and prepare to chase your toddler around the venue (in your high heals, of course). If you’re lucky, you may be able to listen to those toasts from a far-off corner where your child has decided he needs to hunt for lizards, and assuming you brought the bribery snacks, you should be able eat a few bites of your dinner. If there is apple cider available, that bubbly excitement alone should afford you 2-3 minutes of good behavior:

Depending on his tiredness and level of comfort with loud noises and crowds, your child may be amenable to hitting the dance floor with you for a song or two. DO NOT MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY. It will be adorable and everyone will (momentarily, at least) forget that your child has been annoying them all night.

Finally, accept that you will likely be the first guests to depart and may not even get to eat any cake. Scope out the area and make sure you know the location of the nearest 7/11 so you can procure a Snickers Peanut Butter on your way home.

Phase 6: The Reckoning.

As you gather your belongings to depart, sleepy toddler slung over your shoulder, take a moment to reflect on the day. Did you get there on time, wearing the clothes you intended to wear? Were you able to witness your loved ones say their vows? Is there anyone to whom you owe an apology? Did your child spill anyone’s champagne or step on the bride’s dress? Did you scare the newly married couple off from ever having children of their own?

If the answer to the first two is yes and you can honestly answer no to at least two of the latter three, congratulate yourself on a job well done!

my beautiful sister, whom I made Bubba admire and speak to from afar lest he touch that gorgeous dress with his disgusting toddler hands