Family Photoshoot Dos & Don’ts (Alternate Title: Learn From My Failure)

My child turns two in 5 days, and I’ve had “take family photos” on my to-do list for…well, two years minus five days. I know, I know: I’m pretty much the worst. Luckily, my husband is not the worst and eventually got sick of hearing me talk about how we should “someday” take some damn photos, so a few weeks ago he kindly took the reigns and booked us a photoshoot with a local photographer he found on Craigslist. We arranged to take the photos at a park near the beach — a spot the photographer recommended — and I got to work planning our outfits and visualizing these gorgeous photographic treasures we’d cherish for the rest of our lives. I couldn’t wait!

Now, I should mention that this was the first time I’ve ever had photos like this taken (aside from my wedding, which required no planning or action from me other than showing up and standing there in my dress). I will admit that I had no reason to assume that I knew anything at all about what happens at a photoshoot aside from the likelihood that some sort of camera would be involved, but I suppose I just thought we’d show up, the photographer lady would instruct us to stand in a couple different configurations, and we’d wrap this sucker up in half an hour. That sounds reasonable, right?

As it turns out, I was wrong. I know now that without careful planning, you might wind up with a bunch of photos of your half-naked son hurling himself into the ocean instead of the lovely fully-clothed and nowhere-near-the-water posed shots you’d envisioned. Lest this problem plague your next photoshoot, I encourage you to read my list of Family Photoshoot Dos & Don’ts before busting out that camera:

DO ask your photographer to clarify her plan ahead of time. Apparently, “we’ll take the photos at a park by the beach” can sometimes mean “we’ll meet at that location, and then I’ll lead you and your small child on a half-mile hike down a steep cliff so that we can take the photos IN THE GODDAMN OCEAN, never mind the fact that you are in no way dressed for such an adventure!” This is good information to have.

If it turns out that that is your photographer’s plan, DON’T wear leather knee-high boots, and DON’T dress your poor husband and child in thick sweaters thinking it’ll be cool and breezy at this “park by the beach” location and that you’ll be in and out of there before you have enough time to get hot. At a minimum, DO bring extra clothes and shoes for everyone, because after that long, sweaty hike followed by the sand-and-water combo, you’re going to wind up with precisely two photos in which you’re all wearing all the components of your original outfits:

If you fail to bring a costume change for your husband, DON’T assume that the shirt he’s wearing under his sweater is a presentable piece of clothing and not a baggy, stained white t-shirt, because it’s probably the latter:

DO plan ahead by bringing M&Ms in an optimistic but ultimately useless attempt at bribing your child to smile on command, and DON’T bother trying to make him leave his bear in the car:

DON’T be surprised when even with the promise of M&Ms, your child has ZERO interest in sitting down for a photo when the option of diving into the frigid water is right in front of him:

DO get over it and accept that the clothes and shoes are a lost cause, as are your dreams of a nicely posed family portrait:

When the photoshoot finally seems to be wrapping itself up and you’re all exhausted and your clothes are ruined and you just want to get the hell out of there, DON’T let your photographer talk you into driving to “a nearby park” for “a few more photos,” because said park might actually be 15 minutes away and your child will be SO OVER IT and also he’ll be wearing a random pair of extremely tattered pants that happened to be in your purse because you really didn’t anticipate his nice pair of jeans to be soaked in sand and ocean filth and thus didn’t put much thought into bringing a decent backup option for him:

And even if you can convince your child to smile for a few more photos at this point in the ridiculous day, you will be looking haggard yourself because you gave up on your appearance about an hour prior when you threw your hair up into an “I’m over it” ponytail and used your cute jacket as a diaper changing pad and your makeup melted off when you HIKED HALF A MILE UPHILL BACK TO YOUR CAR WHILE CARRYING A 28-POUND SACK OF POTATOES (or a toddler; same diff):

Eventually, your photographer will have mercy and put an end to the photoshoot, putting you all out of your misery at last. DO laugh riotously with your husband about what just transpired, and DON’T feel guilty for deciding that the only thing to do at this point is to drive through McDonald’s and let your child eat as much ketchup as he wants before passing out:

DON’T even think about doing this again for another two years.