Thank You!

Between my wedding in 2009 and having the baby in 2011, I think I’ve written no fewer than 4 million thank you notes in the past couple of years. I’ve crafted thoughtful (and timely! always on time!) thank you notes for everything from dishes to diapers, and have even perfected the art of the vague “thank you for coming to my wedding” card where you’re fairly certain that the recipient probably gave you something but you couldn’t match up any of the card-less presents to them (and then you say a prayer that they didn’t actually come empty-handed, which would of course turn your lovely gesture into an unintentional guilt-bomb). I’m pretty sure that qualifies me as a Certified Thanking Expert.

Of course, I’m not perfect. I do my very best to crank out those notes every time a situation calls for one, but there are a few I haven’t gotten to yet. If anyone can swing by and help me print up and address these, I’d be forever in your debt:

Dear Landlord,

Thank you for your decision not to install any fans or air conditioning in your lovely home! The fact that the house is consistently 15 degrees hotter than the outside world has encouraged me to spend more time outside with the baby. Last weekend we spent an hour playing in the small patch of shade in the driveway! Good times!
Love,
The person who sends you ridiculously large checks on the first of every month

PS: Sorry if the checks are damp when you receive them; it’s just my ceaseless sweat.

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Dear 2012 New York Yankees,

Thank you for helping me realize that I’m far too emotionally invested in your success. Your recent rash of injuries and infuriating losing streak has prompted me to do some serious soul-searching. I’ve learned a lot about myself!

Love,
A depressed fan

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Dear Bubba,

Thank you for helping me organize my office this weekend! I couldn’t have done it without you!
Love,
The office manager

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Dear Subway on La Cienega,

Thank you for remembering every detail of my order every time I come in, right down to the oil and vinegar. I say this in all sincerity: you make me feel very important and not at all ashamed of my dietary choices.

Love,
Your #1 customer (AKA “that glutton who always orders the same thing”)

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Dear Express,

Thank you for your ridiculous sizing scheme! I love that your version of a “small” is equivalent to approximately a size 12 at any other store for normal humans; this doesn’t cause any confusion at all when I’m shopping. It works out great for me since I hate trying things on and LOVE having to return to your store the following week to exchange everything I was certain would fit!

Love,
A size 2 customer (ha!)

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Dear Bad Religion,

Thank you for choosing a name that forces me to explain myself every time I mention my favorite band to a person not fortunate enough to already be familiar with your excellence. It’s always fun to say your name and then try to gauge the listener’s reaction to see if I need to hurriedly explain “they’re not, like, specifically anti-religion…it’s a punk thing…um…they were young when they made up the name…I swear they are a normal and in fact highly-respected band. I’m not the antichrist. Thank you for your time, I’ll show myself out the door.”

Love,
Your biggest fan ever in the history of anything, stupid name or not

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Told you I was a pro! I hope you’ve all learned something from my thanking expertise!

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Thanks to Mama Kat‘s writer’s workshop prompt (“Following Jimmy Fallon’s famous thank you note writing style, write a list of thank you cards you’d like to write this week”) for the inspiration!