Toddler Fashion Drama (Alternate Title: PANTS!!!!!)

Toddlers are weird creatures. In many ways they’re still babies, what with their diaper-wearing and middle-of-the-night bottle-drinking (don’t judge me), but then they do stuff like climb onto the changing table all by themselves or sing the ABCs (best part: “emenemo peeeeeee”) and remind you that they are in fact a big kid.

They’re also emotionally unstable maniacs with strong opinions about everything and a willingness to hold out for what they want that would be impressive if it weren’t so damn annoying.

It’s that last one that causes the most problems for me, as the parent of a weird little toddler. From food to television to how his chair is positioned in relation to the table, Bubba knows what he likes and he’s rarely willing to accept anything short of his vision of perfection. If I weren’t the one tasked with fulfilling his many requests (not to mention dealing with the fallout when said requests cannot be accommodated), I think I’d actually quite enjoy this developmental stage — it’s fascinating to see his little personality develop via his likes and dislikes and the strategies he employs in attempts of getting his way.

But I am his mother, so this seemingly endless period of wacko demands and staunch refusal to bend is proving to be more obnoxious than enchanting.

Last week, Bubba decided that he really, really liked a particular pair of pants. He’s had these pants for months and has worn them countless times, but he never asked to wear them over any other pants or expressed any excitement when they came up in the rotation. Then one day, out of the blue, prompted by absolutely nothing, he saw them in the laundry basket and excitedly proclaimed “PANTS!” as if he’d been searching for them his whole life and couldn’t believe his luck at having found them. He excitedly marched them over to me and insisted that I remove his suddenly-offensive jeans immediately so he could wear these magical pants, after which he pranced around happily chanting, “PANTS! PANTS!”

I was a bit puzzled at this sudden affection for this random article, but I didn’t think much of it until that night when it was time to change into pajamas and he freaked out. “PAAAAANTS!!!!!!!” he cried as I tossed them into the hamper. “MINE PANTS!”

I was able to distract him enough to put some pajamas on him, but within 30 minutes he was asking about the damn pants again! And then he apparently spent the whole night dreaming about them, because the very first words out of his mouth the next morning were “mine pants?” I explained that they were too dirty and stinky to wear, which resulted in him fishing them out of the hamper and pathetically whimpering “stinky paaaants” repeatedly as if that might resolve their confirmed stinky status so that he could wear them once again.

And again, just to clarify: HE HAD NEVER CARED ABOUT THESE PANTS BEFORE.

This nonsense has been going on for days now and it’s showing no signs of letting up. If the pants are not on his body, he’s looking for them in the hamper or the drier (I quickly wised up and started washing them daily). And why? What is it about these pants that’s so special!? To be fair, they do seem quite comfy (they’re sort of like warmup pants or basketball shorts with a soft lining), but why the sudden obsession when they didn’t warrant a second glance the first 30 times he wore them?

These are the types of mysteries that plague the parents of a toddler on a daily basis. I may never know why Bubba has taken such a shine to these godforsaken pants, but I do know this: I’m placing an order for five more pairs tonight.