The time I didn’t blog for 5 years and then pretended people were clamoring for more

In a fit of lockdown-induced compulsive organization that has now reached the digital realm (I’ve literally run out of closets and drawers and boxes in my home to sort through and have had to resort to truly ludicrous tasks like re-naming files on my computer and removing old contacts from my phone; shit is dire over here, guys), I came across a bunch of files and photos related to this blog and got smacked in the face with a tidal wave of nostalgia. I immediately abandoned my pointless computer clean-up endeavor (what was I thinking?! SO BORING) and indulged in a stroll down memory lane, reading dozens of posts and wishing so badly that I hadn’t stopped writing. This was something I had really enjoyed! And there’s some quality material in here! I don’t know if you’re aware, but I am a goddamn delight. I am not ashamed to admit that I laughed aloud multiple times — heartily! — at my own stupid jokes. My sense of humor has evolved precisely not at all over the past 5 years. 

Even better than my own shameless self-admiration was my kids’ reaction to discovering these gems. I had never shown them the blog before, because they were too little and to be honest I kind of forgot it was a thing, but they’re currently obsessed with these YouTube channels in which young adults draw comics to tell funny stories about their childhoods (it’s not as creepy as it sounds, I swear), so I thought they might be amused to read some tales about their own past. I wasn’t sure if they’d be all that enthused to read poorly-written, inarguably rambling tales about Ryan being an adorable toddler and their mother being insane, but man: these stories slayed. The one about Ryan’s teddy bear jumping out the window was an enormous hit, as was the one about Dream Lites and my inability to conceptualize the existence of dead batteries, and thanks to the PAAAAAANTS tale we shall never again refer to any leg-covering garment as anything but “stinky paaaants.” Reliving these ancient memories and laughing at all my hilarious jokes (ahem) with the subjects about whom I wrote was an indescribable experience; it’s something I couldn’t have ever imagined and I am eternally grateful to Past Mo for taking time out of her busy Forensic Files-watching schedule to write this shit down. 

The only problem, of course, is that my poor second-born child is a wee bit underrepresented. And by that I mean that he appears in, like, 2 posts. MOMMY WAS A LITTLE BUSY, OK?! I always intended to get back in the swing of things at some point; I was certainly not without inspiration — these kids are ridiculous human beings whose antics provide ample blog fodder, and I am, of course, still neurotic AF¹ — but, ya know…life was going on. We moved, I got divorced, lost my mind a little bit² and then spent a bunch of time fixing myself³; there was endless day to day minutia like school and little league and work and I ran some more marathons somewhere in there and truly, it’s been an intense few years. Those are certainly all valid reasons for not carving out time to write a half-assed blog no one cares about, but unfortunately now my kids are aware that I once wrote a billion cute stories about one kid and none about the other and this injustice cannot stand.

And so…here I am. Armed and ready to regale you with tales about Graffin, a child with a personality so different from any child I’ve ever encountered that it almost defies belief, and of course Ryan, who is exactly the 8 year old one would foresee him to be after reading stories about him as a toddler. And me! I have stories about me! Do you have any idea how many embarrassing things have happened to me in the last 5 years and how cringe-worthingly fun it will be for you to read about them?! 

Stay tuned.

The last 5 years in a nutshell.

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Footnotes:

¹I learned new slang though! That’s still a thing, right? I’m hip AF.

²A lot.

³Still working on this part.