Based on the quality of my writing, it may surprise you to learn that I invest considerable effort into each and every post. It can take me days just to come up with a story or memory that I deem worthy of sharing, and then the actual writing process takes about six hundred hours as I analyze and re-work every single sentence to ensure that I’m conveying the desired tone (and that there are a sufficient quantity of parenthetical anecdotes, of course). Convincing you all that I’m so clever and witty is no easy feat!
(The above paragraph went through no fewer than six revisions. I probably shouldn’t be admitting this.)
What I’m getting at here is that this shit takes a lot of time, so when I’m busy or distracted, the blog falls to the wayside. My sister is getting married on Saturday, which means that I have been running around all week trying to coordinate our travel plans and making important decisions like “can the baby wear sneakers to a wedding?” and “oh yeah, what shoes am I wearing? Can I wear sneakers?” instead of delivering solid gold blog posts to my legion of adoring fans (i.e. the five of you reading this). I don’t want to leave you all hanging, though (how would you survive?), so I thought I’d take this opportunity to share some of my Blog Posts That Never Were. These are ideas I jotted down over the past year thinking I would someday flesh them out into blog posts, then ignored because they were uninteresting, confusing, or just not suitable for a blog post. But rather than let them go to waste, I’ve scraped them off the cutting room floor and compiled them here for your enjoyment:
The first one on the list is from November of last year and it just says “Santa.” I have no idea where I thought I would go with that.
Next up is “drawings of things I can’t get pictures of,” which was going to be a Wordless Wednesday post, but with (terrible) drawings of funny things Bubba does that I am never able to photograph instead of actual pictures. I actually still like this idea, but it sounds like an awful lot of work so it will probably never happen.
Then there’s “my son thinks everything is a bus,” which is an accurate statement but not even remotely interesting. Similarly, I’ve also got “Bubba likes to pick up trash” and “why won’t Bubba sit in the damn stroller anymore?” I’m so sorry you missed out on reading full-fledged blog posts on those non-stories.
trash: it’s fun to pick up.
At some point, I jotted down “skipping school,” which sounds somewhat promising if only I could remember what aspect of school-skipping I thought might be blog-worthy. I guess I just wanted to let you all know that I ditched class a lot in high school? Well, now you know.
Here’s my favorite one on the list: “getting called out by Ms. Ricewasser.” This is actually a funny little story, but there just isn’t enough to it to warrant a full post. Here, I’ll tell you the tale right now: one time when I was 19 and well out of high school, I returned to my old school to pick up my little sisters. The vice principal (the aforementioned Ricewasser, AKA “Rice”) mistook me for a student and yelled at me to cover up the one inch of skin that was exposed between my pants and my shirt. The twins laughed riotously and I, of course, was super embarrassed even though I had no reason to be.
(Incidentally, I could probably copy and paste that last sentence and use it to summarize 95% of my life stories.)
Finally, we’ve got this gem: “first car Nissan 240sx ‘smoker’s edition’ indestructible.” To be honest, that sounds pretty damn cool. Maybe I’ll still write this one.
In an ironic twist, it took me just as long to write this stupid post as it would have taken me to write an actual story. How did I not see that coming?
The Baby Is Fine 