2013 Goal Review: Why Do I Bother?

In a strange fit of optimism and productivity at the end of last year (perhaps I was drugged?), I made a list of ten things I wanted to accomplish in 2013. They weren’t resolutions, per se, as I am perfect and wonderful and need not resolve to be anything more, but they were worthy goals nonetheless. None were too lofty and I was certain I’d have no trouble checking each one off the ol’ to-do list by, oh, June or so. Easy peasy!

Let’s see how I really did:

10) Make the poor kid a baby book.

RESULT: FAIL (technically)

Technically, I did not do this. BUT! I do make an annual family scrapbook documenting all of the year’s highlights and activities, and of course this blog itself is a lovely record of his childhood (and my insanity) — isn’t that enough? If Bubba complains about the lack of a real baby book someday, I’ll just remind him about all the less fortunate children whose mothers opted not to publicly expose their life stories for all the world to mock¹. That’ll shut him up.

9) Come up with other things to feed him besides mac and cheese, ham and bread, spaghetti, and chicken nuggets.

RESULT: PASS (technically…I never said anything about vegetables)

He eats hot dogs now! And quesadillas, occasionally. So…best mom ever?

8) Take Bubba on a beach outing.

RESULT: PASS (for real!)

We actually did this! I’m not sure how much credit I really deserve, considering we live literally 10 miles from the ocean and it took approximately no planning or effort whatsoever, but no matter. He thoroughly enjoyed:

7) Enlist an actual barber to cut Bubba’s hair.

RESULT: PASS!

Another victory! We are regulars at Supercuts now, and he has even progressed from screaming in fear to reluctant acceptance:

6) Figure out my childcare/daycare situation.

RESULT: PASS!

I’m on a roll, kids! Bubba started attending my neighbor’s daycare in February, and it has been FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC. In fact, I feel like a complete idiot for having fought it for so long, so let’s all just pretend I totally didn’t nearly suffer an emotional collapse over it last year and move along.

5) Brush his teeth…every day.

RESULT: PASS (with assistance)

I accomplished this goal by assigning it to Daddy. Woohoo! Let him get bit by a toddler vampire every night.

4) Do all the fun Halloween stuff (pumpkin patch and subsequent carving of said pumpkins, costume, etc).

RESULT: COMPLETE FAIL

Goddammit, I was doing so well. I tried, though, remember? It was Bubba who decided Halloween was for suckers, not me.

3) Participate in a “mommy and me” class of some sort.

RESULT: HA! I hate other people³.

2) Get some professional photos taken.

RESULT: PASS…?

We did indeed pay someone with a camera to take pictures of us! Whether the results of that harrowing experience qualify as “professional photos” is up for debate, but that’s hardly my fault.

1) Make Bubba his very own quilty.

RESULT: NOT EVEN CLOSE

Isn’t it cute that I thought I’d have time for sewing projects? Bubba’s lucky he has clean sheets most nights — if he wants a custom hand-made blanket, he’s going to have to take something off my plate to free up some time. Can two-year-olds be trusted to make dinner?

 

A few missed goals aside, 2013 was a great year for me. At the risk of sounding like a serious person (god forbid!) for a moment, I’d like to acknowledge that I am so enormously happy and content with my wonderful life, and it keeps getting better — sometimes I just stop and marvel at my seemingly endless capacity for happiness. It’s hard to imagine that 2014 could prove to be an even better year, but based on the upward trend of my last few years, I can only assume it will indeed be a banner year!

Especially since I’m not wasting my time with any goals or resolutions this year. ANARCHY!

…………………………………

Footnotes:

¹And by “all the world” I mean “my seven loyal fans².”

²And by “fans” I mean “people who accidentally clicked on my link thinking it was something else.”

³Except for you! You’re special! Don’t leave.

Top Ten Tuesday: The Lame Old Lady At The Bachelorette Party

It’s no secret that I’m tragically un-cool. I wasn’t cool when I was a frizzy-haired over-sensitive child obsessed with The Babysitters Club, and I’m sorry to say that the situation hasn’t improved with age (neither my hair nor the hip-factor). I don’t know any current musicians, fashion trends elude me, and my sense of humor is more “Marge Simpson” than “Daniel Tosh*” (I love a joke where no one gets hurt!). I’m sort of like an octogenarian (albeit a totally hot one), or maybe a shut-in whose internet access has been cut off.

As a nearly 30-year-old married mother who works from home and rarely leaves the house, my lack of coolness isn’t usually a factor in my daily life. My son certainly doesn’t care what I wear or how corny my jokes are (yet — I assume I’ve got a few more precious years before I start embarrassing him with everything I do or say), and my darling husband is an even bigger nerd than I (Magic: The Gathering, anyone?). I steer clear of situations in which I’d be totally out of my element (no clubbing for me), and if a situation calls for more sophistication than I can muster, I call in reinforcements (e.g. forcing my fashion-expert friend to pick out a dress for me to wear to my sister’s wedding and then pestering her for hair, shoe, and jewelry advice until I am satisfied that I will look like a normal human and she probably wants to murder me for being so inept**). Despite my shortcomings in the suaveness department, I typically get by without looking or feeling like a complete goon.

Until someone invites me to a bachelorette party.

My little sister is getting married in less than two weeks, and she was kind enough to include me in her bachelorette festivities this weekend along with all of her young, hip friends. I did my best to keep up, but I was quickly (and repeatedly) reminded that I have absolutely no business pretending like I am on par with these girls. If you are afflicted with Chronic Lameness like yours truly and are presented with the opportunity to attend a social gathering with people who wear trendy clothes and know the lyrics to popular rap songs, I urge you to familiarize yourself with the below signs that may indicate that you should just stay home instead.

The top ten signs you are entirely too old and out of touch to go to a bachelorette party with a pack of 24-year-olds:

10) The day before the party, you text your sister for advice on what to wear and then promptly give up and ask her to just bring you something:

9) You put a great deal of thought and effort into properly chilling and transporting your cooler full of sodas and waters. Nothing says WILD PARTY like some ice cold sodas!

8) While others are wearing sexy scrunch-butt bikinis or stylish vintage one-pieces, you’re rocking a matronly skirted suit from Target:

7) The lack of recycling bins near the pool alarms you. THOSE AFOREMENTIONED WATER BOTTLES AND SODA CANS SHOULDN’T GO IN THE TRASH, PEOPLE!

6) You apply sunscreen no fewer than five times in three hours, even though you’re in a shaded cabana.

5) When the waiter brings out a penis-shaped cake for the bride, you nervously look around the restaurant and hope no children or delicate elderly individuals are present***:

4) You can’t believe they scheduled an activity that starts at 10pm. That’s ten o’clock AT NIGHT, a time better known as “bedtime.”

3) When you learn that said 10pm activity is a Passion Party, you spend the weeks leading up to the event obsessing over the potential awkwardness and high likelihood of excessive blushing****.

2) You are surprised to discover that crop tops are indeed a legitimate trend, as not one but TWO of the girls are wearing them to dinner. You are then even more grateful that your sister brought you something cute and current to wear, since if you had been left to your own devices you would be wearing a skirt purchased in 2010:

1) Making a two-hour drive home at midnight so you can sleep in your own bed and be there when your son wakes up in the morning sounds better than sleeping in a nice hotel room.

It’s exhausting being so lame. I had a great time, though!

*Does it make me more or less pathetic that I got really excited to reference Daniel Tosh? He’s cool, right? And I’m aware of him!

**Said friend claimed that our dress shopping expedition was “fun” — I plan to put her to the test by asking for her help picking out jeans next; we’ll see if she still thinks helping me is fun after being subjected to my denim-related fashion inquiries, including “is this how these are supposed to look?”, “what kind of shoes do I wear with these?”, and “why is everything so expensive — can’t we just go to Target?”

***The cake was delicious, however.

****It wasn’t that bad. I may or may not have discussed the pros and cons of full-body stockings.

Top Ten Tuesday: #1 Dad!

Guys! Guys!

It’s me, Ryan. Or as my mom calls me (for NO good reason, I might add), Bubba.

(I’m not even fat.)

Anyway, last week my mom reminded me that Father’s Day was coming up and strongly hinted that I should write something sweet and sentimental for my dad, like I did last year. Well, I don’t know if you guys are aware, but I am an extremely busy lad. I go to school every day, and when I’m at home, there are toys to be thrown, couches to be climbed on, dogs to try to ride — you get the picture. Free time is scarce! I can’t even think of the last time I was able to rest quietly on Mama’s lap for more than three minutes before I remembered something urgent I had to immediately attend to, like begging for cookies.

My point is, time got away from me. You know how it is. I just wasn’t able to get it together last week to write a tribute to my dad, which is unfortunate because he really does deserve it. He’s pretty much the greatest, and I’m not just saying that because I rely on him to feed me when my mom’s not around — he’s really and truly GREAT! Definitely the best dad I’ve ever had. Wanna know why? OF COURSE YOU DO! Check out my list of the top ten reasons my dad is seriously the best dad EVER:

10) He does fun stuff like throw me in the air, chase me around the house, and carry me around in laundry baskets:

Even when Mom says it looks too dangerous, Dad perseveres! WOOHOO!

9) He walks me to school every morning and never forgets my lunch or the bag with my extra clothes (which I always need because I can’t manage to keep a t-shirt clean for more than about an hour at a time).

8) When I wake up in the middle of the night, he lets Mom bring me into their bed to snuggle! Even though I never go back to sleep and totally think it’s party time as soon as we get in there and I kick him in the back and sing songs and try to climb on him! At 3am!

7) Messiness is NOT a concern for Dad! With Dad, I can get myself and the house as filthy as I want, and it’s AWESOME.

6) He’s very concerned about my stupid allergies. He never forgets to give me my medicine (and even drives Mom crazy by asking her fifty times a night if she gave it to me yet) and he does lots of research on everything I eat to make sure it won’t make me itchy.

That’s me on Dad’s lap on Mother’s Day, when I had some bad reactions going on (see how I’m scratching my neck? Yes, ’twas quite sad). Don’t worry, he took me to the doctor the next morning!

5) He’s always coming up with fun activities to do with me when I get older. Apparently, we’re gonna go to a WWE show when I’m 4! And I’m gonna do jiu jitsu as soon as he can find a place that allows maniac small children to participate!

4) He’s SOOOOOOOO funny! He does crazy voices, makes weird noises, and sings hilarious songs. He makes Mom laugh a lot, too (well, sometimes she rolls her eyes. OK, oftentimes).

3) When Mom is busy running marathons or cleaning the house or whatever boring “mom” stuff she needs to do in peace, Dad takes me to the park — just the two of us!

2) He keeps my mom sane. The importance of this cannot be understated! THANK YOU, DAD!!!!

1) He’s so loving and dedicated. Please excuse the sappiness here, but it must be mentioned. I can really tell how much he loves me and Mama. We’re so lucky!

See? I told you he was the BEST!

Top Ten Tuesday: Is This Marathon Over Yet?!

It was a rocky road, but I did it: I trained for that damn marathon. To recap, in case you don’t religiously read (and memorize) my every word, here’s a brief summary of my marathon training: I hate running but decided to embark on this stupid journey in spite of that pesky little fact; my plans were nearly derailed when I slipped in a pothole like an idiot and sprained my ankle, but I took a couple of weeks off to let it heal and then purchased a treadmill (the installation of which nearly resulted in domestic violence between my husband and I) to complete my training.

All caught up? Great.

Anyway, the marathon is this Sunday, so the training part of things is pretty much done. All that’s left this week is a couple of 3 mile runs and some carbo-loading, and I’m ready to race!

And then this stupid thing will FINALLY BE OVER. I can’t wait! Let me count the ways…

The Top Ten Reasons I’m Giddy With Glee That This Marathon Madness Is (Almost) Over:

10) Time (and brain-space) for blogging: All I do is run, and all I think about is running and boring running-related topics like “what should I eat before my next run” and “I sure would like to eat In N Out after my run.” This has made blogging difficult these past few months. I look forward to having time and energy to come up with posts more exciting than “The Top Ten Reasons I’m Giddy With Glee That This Marathon Madness Is (Almost) Over” (sorry about that cop out, by the way).

9) Sleeping in: Way back when Bubba was an infant, TFW and I worked out a nice routine: he gets up with the baby on Saturdays and lets me sleep in, and I do the same for him on Sunday. But for the past few months, I’ve been sacrificing my sacred Saturday sleep-in so that I can get my long training run out of the way early, meaning I haven’t slept past 8am in ages (and most days I’m up much earlier)! I am literally counting down the days till next week when my Sleep-In Saturdays shall resume.

8) No more funky tan lines: On the bright side, my calves are a lovely golden hue! Too bad my upper legs and my feet are bright white.

7) No more soreness: Everything hurts. Always. And I don’t just mean my legs and feet — why do my shoulders hurt after running? What am I doing wrong?

6) Cooking dinner: Who’s got time for making actual meals after working all day and then running?! Not this lady, I’ll tell you that. I look forward to making something that didn’t come from the freezer or involve the word “sandwich” someday in the near future.

5) Seeing my husband: I vaguely recall being married to a handsome and kind fellow. Let’s hope he still recognizes me when I’m wearing something other than running gear.

4) Rehabbing my feet: I have hideous man-feet to begin with (and that’s really an insult to men; these hooves are truly appalling). Add in blisters, callouses, and a dead blackened toenail or two, and it’s pure fright night. I’m hoping they’ll look more presentable by the time my sister’s wedding rolls around in August so I don’t have to wear some sort of school-marm loafers to the event.

3) Cleaning my house: Yes, I’m actually looking forward to this. I love a clean house, but, like the cooking, who’s got time or energy at the end of the day?

2) Straightening my hair: As a rule, my hair only looks good when I take the time to straighten it (and “good” is a stretch, really). Unfortunately, I have enough hair for sixteen people and it takes a solid hour to straighten. Since it gets disgustingly sweaty within minutes of even a light jog, there just hasn’t been any point in bothering with it, so I’ve been residing in frizzed-up ponytail-ville for most of the last few months. Between my hair, the hooves, and the tan lines, it’s a sad state of affairs over here. Poor TFW.

1) Doing things on the weekend like a normal human: I cannot overstate how much running has monopolized my time. And when we do go out and do something, I’m limping around, exhausted because I just ran six hundred miles (approximately), making it hard to keep up with this little fellow:

Six more days, folks! SIX DAYS AND I’M DONE!

(Someone please remind me of this post next month when I get bored and decide I should sign up for another marathon.)

Top Ten Tuesday: Enjoy It While You Can!

On Saturday night, TFW and I took a little mini road trip down to San Diego for a concert. Nothing fancy — a couple hours in the car, $30 tickets, no big deal. Easy peasy!

Wrong.

When you have a young child, things like this are not as easy as they once were. We had to figure out who was going to watch the baby, and where they would watch him (our house or theirs?). Would we leave him overnight or pick him up at 2am? Did we pack all his stuff? Does my mom know the schedule and routines? Should we leave early so we have more time to ourselves, or should we wait and minimize the amount of time we’re gone? What’s the contingency plan if he gets sick or something?

I was exhausted by the time the band started playing!

Life doesn’t end when you have a kid, but it definitely gets a lot more complicated. If you don’t have any kids yet, you may want to take note…

The top ten things that suddenly get a lot more difficult (if not impossible) when you add a baby to the mix (so enjoy them while you can!):

10) Trying stuff on at the mall. Either the stroller won’t fit in the claustrophobia-inducing little fitting room, or it will fit and your child will want no part of sitting quietly in there while you try on sixty pairs of jeans in an attempt to figure out each store’s baffling sizing scheme. You will grow accustomed to holding stuff up and eyeballing it in a weak attempt to determine if it might be flattering, buying it, and then returning it two days later after you put it on at home and discover you were off by about four sizes and/or they look like mom jeans.

9) Evening excursions. No matter how wonderfully behaved your baby is, there is a point in the evening after which you simply cannot leave the house. The exact time will vary depending on the schedule you’ve set up, but every parent of a baby/toddler is aware of this limitation. A late-afternoon activity is a race against the clock, too — when the Super Bowl got delayed due to Beyonce’s booty shaking or whatever the hell happened (I was distracted by a delicious cheese platter), I almost had a heart attack when I realized that we might not be able to leave the party in time to avoid the 7pm meltdown. (We escaped in the nick of time, if you’re curious.)

8) Delicate clothes and dangly jewelry. Babies will pull on EVERYTHING. And they don’t stop when they become toddlers — they just get stronger.

7) Small purses. Forget about leaving the house with a cute little clutch (or, even more comically, just your wallet and keys in your pocket). You need something the approximate size of a duffel bag to fit all of your kid’s accoutrements: diapers, wipes, snacks, extra clothes, a couple toys, maybe a book or two, sippy cup, perhaps a pop-up tent in case you get tired during your travels…

6) Restaurants with a wait. Even if the restaurant is kid-friendly, sitting out a wait for a table is a horrifying prospect when you have a small child with you. Who knows how long his patience will last?! I get antsy waiting around at restaurants, and I’m a grown woman. Expecting my child to wait 30 minutes just to sit down and then sit calmly in his high chair for another 45 minutes while we order and eat is just laughable.

5) Going to Las Vegas. There are plenty of places you can take a kid on vacation. Vegas is not one of them. It’s blazing hot outside, the air indoors is palpably thick with smoke, you can’t walk two feet without bumping into someone, and those casino-owning jerkfaces won’t even let you set up a high chair in the sportsbook. LAME.

4) Having nice stuff in your house. It will get broken, or, at the very least, covered in a thick film of cheerio-dust and snot. On the bright side, it makes it far less upsetting when you spill something on the couch — it was already ruined anyway!

3) Vacations requiring lengthy drives and/or plane rides. I’m not saying you can’t go on vacation with a small child — you most certainly can. But whereas a five-hour plane ride to get to New York was totally worth it pre-baby, an easier option like a weekend at the (local) beach starts sounding far more appealing when you have a baby in tow.

2) Last-minute outings. There is no such thing as “running out to the store real quick” or “meeting up for dinner at the last minute” when you have to bring a baby with you. Every excursion requires planning (will this interfere with naptime? Does he need to eat first? When was the last time he had a bottle?) and supplies (see #7).

1) Alone time. Unless you’re rich and employ a team of nannies, there’s little room for alone time when you’re taking care of a baby. They always need something! And if you are lucky enough to break away for a little bit, you’ll likely find yourself thinking about and missing your child while you’re supposed to be relaxing. Getting your hair done is far less enjoyable when you have to coordinate childcare, watch your child cry when you leave, and then spend the whole time thinking about what he’s up to back at home. This is why I’m championing a new hair trend: 4″ of gray roots with the rest a sad-looking dull red.

The good news is, unless you hate your child for some reason (please get that checked out post haste), it’s all worth it. My hair hasn’t been dyed since early December (sadly, that is not a joke) and I accidentally handed the Target cashier a diaper when I tried to pull my wallet out of my purse the other day, but I have a kid who does stuff like this:

and this:

And that’s way cooler.

Top Ten Tuesday: Celebrity Moms Are Just Like Us!

I like to think I’m an intelligent gal (humor me), but man do I love People Magazine. Celebrity-watching is a waste of time, sure, and the voyeurism is arguably quite creepy, but that doesn’t stop me from getting a little excited when I see that Jennifer Garner and those darling children ate dinner just two miles from my house last week. I’ve got my favorites, who in my eyes can do no wrong (Matt Damon and his adorably average-looking wife, Khloe Kardashian [don’t judge me], Alec Baldwin), and the ones I strongly feel deserve a smack in the face (Nicki Minaj, Gwyneth Paltrow, Alec Baldwin [it’s a love/hate relationship]). I love looking at the stupid paparazzi photos of these idiots out on the town, I love the superficial interviews and the “hard-hitting” exposés, I love the hookup and breakup rumors (I swear to God, if Matt Damon and Lady Average ever split up, I might cry)…it’s all one big delicious guilty pleasure.

That doesn’t mean I agree with everything these morons say or do, of course. In fact, a great deal of my celebrity gossip consumption involves copious rolling of my eyes (often accompanied by some serious tsk-ing), particularly when female celebs start yapping about parenting. More often than not, they come across as completely out of touch, condescending, or just plain dumb.

It’s great fun!

Enjoy the trainwreck along with me — here are my top ten favorite “are you serious right now?!” celebrity mom quotes:

10) “She’s my homey, my best friend.” – Beyonce, on daughter Blue Ivy.

No one talks about their children like that — this is the type of thing a teenager says about the cute cousin they babysit once a week. This does not make me think, “wow, Beyonce is a really dedicated and involved mother!” No, it just makes me think, “wow, Beyonce does such little actual parenting, she thinks this is what mothers sound like.”

9) “We have a rule in the house. Rule No. 1 is always to look cool, and rule No. 2 is don’t forget about rule No. 1. We have other rules … but the No. 1 rule is to always look cool.” – Heidi Klum.

Those kids will grow up perfectly normal.

shark hoodie, highwater sweatpants, and velcro Target shoes: COOL!

8)  “I’m kind of scared of baby monitors, because I believe in the paranormal, and I believe ghosts will come through it.” – Snooki

To be fair, I didn’t read the rest of the interview. Maybe the next thing she said was “HAHA! I’m totally kidding; that’s just something I made up for a ‘things that are so dumb no human could possibly ever say them’ contest I’m entering.”

7) “I love the smell of diapers. I even like when they’re wet and you smell them all warm liked a baked good.” – Sarah Jessica Parker.

Someone please call CPS, post haste. A serial killer is raising SJP’s children.

6) “I do believe babies are born potty-trained.” – Mayim Bialik

Have you and SJP been doing drugs together?

that’s water on his pants, Mayim, not pee. I think.

5) “I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-A-Soup.” – Gwyneth Paltrow.

I sincerely hope the interviewer spewed water all over Gwyneth when he or she burst into hysterical laughter upon hearing this pretentious nonsense. I want to move to London, find a way to befriend those idiotically-named children, get them over to my house for a slumber party, and then: CUP-A-SOUP FOR EVERYONE!!!!

4) “If the Lord sees fit to let us have another baby…” – Michelle Duggar.

Oh, honey. There aren’t any J names left, I’m sorry.

3) “There’s always a little bit of a discussion about how short the skirt is…or is there some cleavage showing. And I always say to her, ‘Do you want everybody to be staring at your breasts, or do you want people to talk to you?'” – Madonna, on daughter Lourdes.

And then Lourdes laughed and laughed, and wore whatever the fuck she wanted.

2) “We went into Prada yesterday and she loved it. It was as if she was saying, ‘Mummy, I’m home!'” – Victoria Beckham, on her infant daughter.

Ya know, like all babies.

1) “I was like, ‘Well, I don’t want him to think that the sex is going downhill,’ so now we’re on baby No. 4!” – Tori Spelling, on getting pregnant again SIX WEEKS after giving birth.

Do people really believe that you can’t get pregnant again right away? (Millions of “Irish Twins” would beg to differ!) Actually, a more important question: do people really have sex that soon after having a baby?! No one tell my husband, please.

The good news is, both Jessica Simpson and Kim Kardashian are pregnant right now, so…see you back here for Dumb Celebrity Mom Quotes Part Two next year!

Top Ten Tuesday: Why Hello, SITS-ers!

Today’s the day!

My blog is being featured over on SITS today, and I haven’t been this excited since the advent of DVR technology (so. many. crime shows!).

If you’re not familiar, SITS is a fantastic resource and community for bloggers. I highly encourage you to check it out (not right now, of course: spend seven or eight hours reading everything I’ve ever written here first). If you’re stopping by from SITS and you’re new to my blog, you can read a bit about me on my creatively-titled About Me page, and you can check out my all-time favorite posts on the Top of the Pops! page (which I had to sub-title “best of” because I wasn’t entirely sure anyone would know what I meant; didn’t stop me from using it, though). To aid you in your quest to get to know me better, I’ve also compiled a little list for you right here…

The top ten things you should know about your new favorite blogger (that’s me…obviously [presumptuous?]):

10) I have a ridiculously adorable one-year-old son named Ryan, who I call Bubba for absolutely no reason (he is not particularly large and I am not from the south; it’s inexplicable). This entire blog is about him (or me being crazy with regard to him), but if you want to read about his entrance into the world, I highly recommend my two-part labor story. I swear it’s worth it, if only for the near-topless photo of a nine-months-pregnant me. HOT.

9) I’m married to a delightful fellow, known herein as TFW. We met many many moons ago in the mosh pit of a punk rock show (true story). Click here for some cute pics of us!

8) I’m a giant worrywart. That’s pretty much the crux of the blog.

7) I was mired in a serious depression for an unfortunately sizable chunk of my life. This is not a focal point of this blog (or even of my life at this point), but it’s solid background info on me so I’m including it nonetheless! You can read a bit more on that here and here.

6) I’m a punk rock gal (although I can rarely be motivated to get off my ass and out to a show these days; seriously, you start playing at 10pm?! I’m tired at the very thought of it), complete with a variety of tattoos — you can see one of them here:

5) I work from home, but not in a cool “let me take my laptop down to Starbucks for an hour and then enjoy a lengthy nap!” kind of way. Nay, my job is pretty much the same as any average office job; I just happen to be at home.

4) I’m a giant nerd. I prefer reading to clubs and I’m pretty much obsessed with my baby blanket (the illustrious and cleverly-named Quilty).

3) Here are some things I adore:

• Reading
• Fountain Dr. Pepper
• True-crime TV shows
• Watching sitcoms over and over and over again (particularly Seinfeld, 30 Rock, and Roseanne)
• The New York Yankees (I even wrote a blog called The Yankees Chick many years ago…)
• Dogs
• Professional wrestling (don’t judge me)
• My Quilty (seriously, stop judging me!)

2) And a couple things I hate:

• Eating vegetables
• Not drinking Dr. Pepper

(I’m easy to please.)

1) I desperately want to be your friend. I’m a terrible Twitter-er (tweeter?), but I’m trying to figure it out (why must it be so fast-paced? Doesn’t anyone else have to work?!) — holler at me and I swear I’ll say something back (probably 8 hours later, but…eventually). Facebook is much more my speed, and we should all be best friends forever over there.

If you’re still with me and I haven’t scared you off yet: enjoy your visit — hopefully you’ll laugh at least once, say “awww” a minimum of three times, and roll your eyes at me precisely seven times. I dream big!

Top Ten Tuesday: Daycare Dilemma, Take Two

Last month I was all worked up about the possibility of sending Bubba to daycare, unable to even come up with a complete top ten list of reasons it might not totally suck. The prospect of shipping my kid off to the care of strangers was stressing me out so much, in fact, that after writing that post I decided to just block the subject from my brain for a while. “Let’s see where we’re at in a few months!” became my mantra.

And burying my head in the sand was working splendidly!…Until this morning, when my babysitter was an hour late. After arriving 30 minutes late yesterday.

Sigh.

Clearly, I need to revisit the topic and make some changes, both to my childcare situation and my attitude towards it. My attempt last month to be optimistic was obviously unsuccessful, so I figured I’d try a new tactic: maybe I just need to get it all out of my system, articulate what exactly I’m so nervous about, and then move on! That could work, right? Sounds legit.

Let’s give it a whirl…here they are, my top ten daycare fears:

10) I’ll never get to do anything with my son outside of meals, baths, and diaper changes. I really don’t think I’m being dramatic with this one — if I have to drive him to daycare before work and then he’s gone all day until we get back home in the evening, that literally is all we will have time for! When are we going to run around the house naked and climb into laundry baskets?!

(OK, I stay clothed.)

9) I’ll spend the whole day obsessing over what he could be up to over there (and imagining countless terrible scenarios). “What’s that, coworker? You want me to do something work-related for you?! GODAMMIT, you’re insensitive — do you not realize that my son could be sobbing unattended in a crib or drinking bleach from an unlocked cabinet right this very moment?!”

8) Bubba will cease bonding with me, preferring the company of his daycare providers to mine. Because see #10.

7) The daycare will have a “don’t bug us” policy and will not allow me to check in on him during the day. (Truthfully, assuming I do eventually get my shit together and send this kid to daycare, let’s hope they do indeed have such a policy…because I’m insane and otherwise won’t be contained.)

6) They’ll let him eat terrible food packed with artificial coloring and preservatives! The horror! (as I drink a Diet Caffeine Free Dr Pepper…)

5) There’ll be too many kids around and no one will pay attention to poor Bubba. I have a sad mental image of the little guy just sitting forlornly in a corner, totally ignored while the staff is occupied with the other heathens. And then he’ll probably turn into a serial killer because he didn’t get enough attention. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!

4) He’ll never nap (and will drive his providers crazy with his daily refusals to rest). I mean, what if they don’t have a Maureen Wachter Patented Pit O’ Toys in their crib to trick him into sleeping?!

3) I’ll miss…everything. Talking. Running. Jumping. Learning stuff. Saying cute things!!! I could vomit.

2) He won’t be adequately supervised and will injure himself, possibly severely. Let’s face it, he doesn’t always make the wisest choices:

He needs to be monitored closely. To say the least.

1) I’ll hate the situation (duh) but the baby will be fine and TFW will love the reliability (he’s the one that suffers when the babysitter shows up late since he has to wait for her arrival before he can leave) and the monetary savings, and thus I’ll be forced to suffer in silence because there’s not really anything for me to be upset about. Yes, that is correct: I’m worrying about potential worrying.

OK, didn’t work.

Send xanax and a punctual babysitter.

Top Ten Tuesday: I Swear I’ll Do It In 2013

I’ve never been a big resolution-maker. What’s there for me to resolve, after all? As should be evident from my blog, I’m pretty much perfect. Yes, that’s totally why I don’t make them — it’s certainly not my fear of resolving to do something and then feeling like a failure when I inevitably fail (does anyone keep their resolutions?!). Perfection, yes — let’s go with that.

That said, the start of a new year is admittedly a good time to take stock of what needs changing in the coming year, and I do have a few goals in mind. These aren’t resolutions, per se — more of a checklist of things that have been rotting on my to-do list for months or longer. A “stop procrastinating and get this shit done already” list, if you will. Since they’re not “resolutions” and don’t really involve changing myself (other than the fact that I’ll obviously have to, ya know, do them), hopefully I’ll be able to crank through them and have a productive 2013!

The Top Ten Things I’m SERIOUSLY Going To Get Around To Doing in 2013:

10) Make the poor kid a baby book. I’m the worst. This wouldn’t have even been that hard if I had just done it a year ago! Would printing out some of these blog posts and throwing them in a three-ring binder count?

9) Come up with other things to feed him besides mac and cheese, ham and bread, spaghetti, and chicken nuggets. Do other people really make, like, full-on meals for their toddler three times a day? THEY DO!? Ok, ok, I’ll try harder.

8) Take Bubba on a beach outing. There is no excuse for not doing this. We live literally 10 miles from the coast. SANDCASTLES SHALL BE BUILT IN 2013 (and/or sand will be consumed, likely mass quantities thereof).

7) Enlist an actual barber to cut Bubba’s hair. My amateur turn as a mullet-exterminator a month or so ago was reasonably successful as a temporary solution, but things are getting out of hand again and my strategy of snipping off random locks of hair that seem to be longer than others whenever I notice them is starting to take a toll on his ‘do.

6) Figure out my childcare/daycare situation. This is causing me so much anxiety I can barely stand to type those nauseating words. Refer to this top ten post for more info on this nightmare.

5) Brush his teeth…every day. I know, I know, I’m awful for not already doing this. Again: the worst! I did buy a brush and the fluoride-free toothpaste, but the one time I tried it he bit my hand approximately 16 times and then just sucked on the toothbrush. I will do better this year!

4) Do all the fun Halloween stuff (pumpkin patch and subsequent carving of said pumpkins, costume, etc). I excused my lack of effort last year on the premise that he wouldn’t know what was going on anyway, but really I was just lazy (Halloween was a Wednesday, people! How can I be expected to do things in the middle of the week? What am I, a superhero?). I promise not to pretend that an Old Navy shark hoodie counts as a costume this year.

3) Participate in a “mommy and me” class of some sort. Ugh, if only this one didn’t involve my three most-hated activities in life: leaving the house, interacting with other humans, and spending money. Alas, I do think it’d be good for him to play with some other kids his own age, and god knows that’s not going to happen otherwise since I have no friends with children (and by that I mean I have no friends, period).

2) Get some professional photos taken. Given how adorable he is and how many photos I take of him myself every day, even I am surprised I didn’t make this one a higher priority last year. I consider it my duty to humanity this year to ensure that Bubba’s cuteness is captured on film for posterity by someone who actually knows what they’re doing.

1) Make Bubba his very own quilty. My love for my baby blanket is well documented, and I even made one for TFW a few years back; I maintain that quilties are an indisputible NECESSITY of a complete and happy (not to mention cozy) life. I totally intended to make one for the baby when I was pregnant…and then after he was born…and then maybe for his birthday…or Christmas…but do you have any idea just how long it takes a mediocre seamstress with no discernible creative talent to make a freakin’ quilt or how much easier it is to just spend that time reading Reddit and playing Words With Friends after a long day at work? Enough is enough, though: I MUST complete this task this year lest I run the risk of having Bubba’s first complete sentence be “Mama, why don’t I have a quilty — do I not deserve such joy?”

Wish me luck with these endeavors. Happy New Year, everyone!

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Thanks to Mama Kat‘s writer’s workshop prompt (“Talk about your resolutions or goals for 2013.”) for the inspiration!

Top Ten Tuesday: One Woman Babysitting Club

As a hardcore fan of The Babysitters Club (where time never advances and the local parents have collectively decided that a group of tween girls are better equipped than they to do the bulk of the child-rearin’), I spent my elementary school years just counting down the days till I’d be old enough to babysit. Thanks to my conveniently-aged little sisters and my stellar reputation as a responsible and well-behaved (read: nerdy goody two-shoes) young lady, I was able to secure my first babysitting job when I was 11. For three hours on a Friday evening, I watched my sisters’ friend and her little brother while their parents went out for dinner; we ate pizza and watched the Disney Channel (which was extra awesome because my parents did not spring for such primo entertainment options at our house) and I was paid fifteen dollars for the pleasure!

I was hooked. The BSC had not led me astray: babysitting was everything I dreamed it would be! And with my winning combination of work ethic, wide open availability (come on now, do you really think a teenaged me had better things to do than babysit?), and low rates (and by that I simply mean that I never had the courage to TELL clients what to pay me and would just accept whatever cash they would give me), I had no shortage of jobs. I babysat several times a week throughout junior high and high school, and I am so glad I did. Not only did it fill up what would have otherwise been some seriously boring weekends while simultaneously ensuring that I always had plenty of spending money (helloooooo, Forever 21 shopping sprees!), but I also learned a lot about kids and parenting along the way. Interacting with so many different families led me to many little epiphanies throughout my babysitting career, and now that I’m a parent myself I think about these life lessons more than ever. Allow me to share some of them with you…

The top ten lessons I learned as a teenaged babysitting addict (and by that I mean I was addicted to babysitting…not that I was an addict who babysat):